If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
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Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
😎 🍻
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.