MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
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“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?