HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?