Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
You Might Also Like
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.