Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
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Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
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My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”