hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
You Might Also Like
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
is this meant to deter me
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
spicy snake
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep