Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
You Might Also Like
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003