“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
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Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.