HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
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Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
New tinder profile pic
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Sex so good you see dead people.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
welp
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.