Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
You Might Also Like
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
The internet is magic sometimes.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
Cashiers are always checking me out
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.