“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
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Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.