there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
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spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night