<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
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me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.