add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
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Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
happy friday
Need WebMD
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
He just like my cat fr
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa