You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
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Animal poetry
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants