Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
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you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.