Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
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Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
bro what is going on at twitter
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Just parrot things
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!