Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
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You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.