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Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.