depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
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A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
[on my way back to the posting caves]
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.