Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.