You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
You Might Also Like
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Love it! 👍😂
okay run it by me one more time
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Overindulged this afternoon.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it