Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
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I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.