Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
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I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
😂😂😂
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Autocorrect completely socks
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know