I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
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Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
My beach vacation Google searches
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –