[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
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THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
The point of your 20s
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.