Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
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Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
*watches the world burn*
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line