When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
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Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
(yawn)
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged