In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
War & Peace
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Isn’t
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.