ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
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“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Very good news from my accountant
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.