ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
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I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.