Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
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How do horror writers compete with current events?
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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