[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
The pasta is now
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Ain’t no way