*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
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ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb