My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
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*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf