gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
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Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days