Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
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Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks