Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
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Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.