If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
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Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA