me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
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Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I thought this was funny lol
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.