[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
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I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
In Canada they just call them geese
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy