They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
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Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
just witnessed a drug deal
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
getting old is fun
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.