I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?