ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
This is the best one I’ve seen
IT’S-A ME,
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy