Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
You Might Also Like
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Smells like a challenge to me
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.