me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
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Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
absolute chaos
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.