Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
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mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word