Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
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My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen