Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
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IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player