cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
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Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I am also baked goods
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”